The Spotlight - my page is 5469, and if you want to see me the pin number is 3815-0166-6710

Harry Hill - Comic Genius. I love his work. I love playing in his shows. I owe a lot to him. Thankfully, I think he's forgotten he lent it to me.

Jim Tavare - Prince Charles' favourite stand-up, and powerful film actor. Sometimes my writing partner, and star of "The Sketch Show". Jim plays Tom the Innkeeper in "Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Azkaban", and a gangster in the soon-to-be-released feature film "Rabbit Fever". Jim's favourite flower is the pansy.

Dominic Frisby - An undiscovered treasure chest in the attic of stand-up comedy, acting, and writing. Just look at the videos he's made on this excellent site! I love working with him. Our friendship began at the Sea Life Centre in Marrakech, when a giant octopus tried to steal my ice cream. Dominic's bravery and martial arts skills saved me from the greedy tentacles. I was able to continue to the dolphin exhibition with my dignity (and 'Feast') intact. Two of the Sea Life Centre staff were killed in the incident.

Boothby Graffoe - the best stand-up comedian in history. And the worst in economics. Boothby is notorious amongst his colleagues for wearing the prettiest trouser. Mother Teresa of Calcutta once invited Boothby to audition for The Sisters of Mercy. His agent got the date wrong, and he didn't turn up.

Mike Gunn - my partner in "Time Gentlemen Please", and a very funny comedian. In his thirties, Mike tragically went bald. He goes about devoid of wig or hat, seemingly un-phased by this terrible handicap. His bravery is an inspiration to us all. He once climbed a rainbow, and tied a purpley-mauve ribbon to it:

Eva Thompson - my wife and a gifted actress, sitar and vina player. Available for a range of events. See her site at and try out the fabulous free downloadable music. Eva and I had our first date together at a Turkish restaurant, where the dessert consisted of dates. Three hours later, we had our first fig.

Paul Zenon - top TV magician and valued friend. Some magicians use slight-of-hand and tricks. Paul, however, is a real wizard. He regularly employs his magical powers for charity. He used his psychic powers to assist the police to solve five murders, three of which he committed himself. Co-owner of my boat 'Clown of Death', and one of the most spiritual people I know.

Ian Cognito - nothing, and nobody, is more real than our Ian. He does what the rest of us are too bland to do. He wears a pretty ribbon in his hair. This is in acknowledgement of the fact that in a previous life he was the visionary Saint Hildergard of Bingen.

Simon Mitchell - fellow artist and writer of long association. Simon's web site promotes nature and explores our relationships with it - a real paradigm shifter! He shuns conventional food, and survives entirely on his own bogies.

Adam Bloom - another friend from the comedy circuit. Adam is unlike other Jewish comedians, in that he has a foreskin, but no penis. When he was fifteen, Adam saved a coach full of French schoolchildren from plunging over a ravine in the Ardeche. His bravery was recognised in 1996, when he was awarded the coveted Legion D'Honneur. For three tempestuous weeks during 2002, Adam was engaged to the Japanese film producer Hisao Nabeshima Takio Yoshida. They split due to "differences of opinion over Britain's membership of the EU". Favourite type of genital: ears.

David Hill - a really brainy poet who lives in Budapest. He's English, and went to either Oxford or Cambridge. He speaks fluent Russian and Hungarian, and possibly German. He's very, very, clever and puts poetry and cabaret evenings on in Budapest.